2016: A Quick Look Back at a Tumultuous Year

January: In a surprise move at a press conference, Donald Trump’s hair attacked him in a frantic bid to save humanity. The resulting scuffle led to Trump punching himself in the face and becoming concussed, before claiming it was all the fault of immigrant hairpieces coming in from Mexico. After being hospitalised, he abandoned all hope of getting the Republican nomination, declaring the world was not good enough for him, and began planning a private space mission to the dark side of the Sun for reasons best left unexplained.

Welcome to the Jedi Faith Academy!

The staffroom was full as the Jedi Master strode in, his long hand-woven white robes gently brushing the floor. All the instructors rose to their feet, their coloured robes denoting their rank and subject specialities.

‘May the Force be with you’ intoned the Master. ‘AND ALSO WITH YOU!’ Having got that out of the way, they sat down to swig some Monday morning coffee and sort out the week.

‘Right then,’ said the Master. ‘Item 1. The light sabres. Again! We’ve had three lost limbs and a very nasty incident in the tuck shop.’ A groan went round the room...