The staffroom was full
as the Jedi Master strode in, his long hand-woven white robes gently brushing
the floor. All the instructors rose to their feet, their coloured robes
denoting their rank and subject specialities.
‘May the Force be with
you’ intoned the Master. ‘AND ALSO WITH YOU!’ Having got that out of the way,
they sat down to swig some Monday morning coffee and sort out the week.
‘Right then,’ said the
Master. ‘Item 1. The light sabres. Again! We’ve had three lost limbs and a very
nasty incident in the tuck shop.’ A groan went round the room...
The Sith deputy
chipped in. ‘We keep telling the parents not to allow them to bring weapons to
school, but they keep on doing it. Isn’t any one searching their
schoolbags anymore?’ A general shaking of heads and tutting. More letters to be
sent home.
The Jedi Master was
not happy. ‘Look, the census results said we could set ourselves up as a
faith-based academy because we thought we could offer something refreshingly
different and challenging for pupils in this area, but we keep hitting the same
problems as the others.’
‘Such as?’
‘Parents lie and pass
the buck. They’ll say they back you up and sign on the dotted line, but once
their child is through the door, you’re stuck with their behaviour and their
complaints about the dress-code, when little Mr Skywalker is too tired to study
because he spends all his waking hours at home on the Playstation, shooting up
the Death Star.’
‘Which brings us to Item
2, the reading levels. They’re down. Why, Mr Yoda?’
‘Baffled we are, at
the comprehension scores low and the grammar poor.’ There was a brief silence
for several thoughts best left unspoken.
‘Item 3. Collective Worship.
Mr Maul, what happened to our series of sensitive attunements and morning
meditations?’
‘I start quoting the
Jedi Code and the students just fall asleep.’
The Jedi Master
snorted. ‘Listen! We’re meant to be offering a radical alternative to church schools and faith schools, and we seem to be turning
out to be just like everyone else. Can’t we offer something refreshingly
different? Doesn’t anyone have any ideas?’
Another silence, and
then the suggestions.
‘X-wing Flying Proficiency
skills.’
‘Jedi mind control
tricks.’
‘Challenging Hogwarts
to a five-a-side Quidditch and Snowspeeder contest.’
‘Droid maintenance
classes for the less academic.’
‘ARRrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!!!’
Who let that Wookie in? Ah yes... the diversity recruitment rules.
The Jedi Master sighed. He jotted down their
ideas, dismissed his staff, then went back to his study. Some days, you got to
save the Galaxy. And on others, you just had to trust that the Force was with
you, and get on with running the school as well as you could, just like
everybody else. And if Ofsted ever turned up, he could case them in carbonite.
Slowly.
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Any requests of subjects for future posts? No idea too stupid for consideration. And yes, I know I am a bad writer, so don't bother saying that unless you can write something better. But maybe there's a topic buzzing around in your head that you'd like to see covered... because I've got a keyboard here, it's loaded with letters, and I ain't afraid to use it.