Wednesday, 9 December 2015

Welcome to the Jedi Faith Academy!

The staffroom was full as the Jedi Master strode in, his long hand-woven white robes gently brushing the floor. All the instructors rose to their feet, their coloured robes denoting their rank and subject specialities.

‘May the Force be with you’ intoned the Master. ‘AND ALSO WITH YOU!’ Having got that out of the way, they sat down to swig some Monday morning coffee and sort out the week.
‘Right then,’ said the Master. ‘Item 1. The light sabres. Again! We’ve had three lost limbs and a very nasty incident in the tuck shop.’ A groan went round the room...



The Sith deputy chipped in. ‘We keep telling the parents not to allow them to bring weapons to school, but they keep on doing it. Isn’t any one searching their schoolbags anymore?’ A general shaking of heads and tutting. More letters to be sent home.

The Jedi Master was not happy. ‘Look, the census results said we could set ourselves up as a faith-based academy because we thought we could offer something refreshingly different and challenging for pupils in this area, but we keep hitting the same problems as the others.’

‘Such as?’

‘Parents lie and pass the buck. They’ll say they back you up and sign on the dotted line, but once their child is through the door, you’re stuck with their behaviour and their complaints about the dress-code, when little Mr Skywalker is too tired to study because he spends all his waking hours at home on the Playstation, shooting up the Death Star.’

‘Which brings us to Item 2, the reading levels. They’re down. Why, Mr Yoda?’

‘Baffled we are, at the comprehension scores low and the grammar poor.’ There was a brief silence for several thoughts best left unspoken.

‘Item 3. Collective Worship. Mr Maul, what happened to our series of sensitive attunements and morning meditations?’

‘I start quoting the Jedi Code and the students just fall asleep.’

The Jedi Master snorted. ‘Listen! We’re meant to be offering a radical alternative to church schools and faith schools, and we seem to be turning out to be just like everyone else. Can’t we offer something refreshingly different? Doesn’t anyone have any ideas?’

Another silence, and then the suggestions.

‘X-wing Flying Proficiency skills.’

‘Jedi mind control tricks.’

‘Challenging Hogwarts to a five-a-side Quidditch and Snowspeeder contest.’

‘Droid maintenance classes for the less academic.’

‘ARRrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhh!!!’

Who let that Wookie in? Ah yes... the diversity recruitment rules. 

 The Jedi Master sighed. He jotted down their ideas, dismissed his staff, then went back to his study. Some days, you got to save the Galaxy. And on others, you just had to trust that the Force was with you, and get on with running the school as well as you could, just like everybody else. And if Ofsted ever turned up, he could case them in carbonite. Slowly.

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Any requests of subjects for future posts in 2016? No idea too stupid for consideration. And yes, I know I am a bad writer, so don't bother saying that unless you can write something better. But maybe there's a topic buzzing around in your head that you'd like to see covered... because I've got a keyboard here, it's loaded with letters, and I ain't afraid to use it.