Saturday, 5 March 2016

Important security update- do not delete

From: British Airports Authority
To: All air passengers planning to return to the UK through any British airport, from 1/03/16.

Important security update for our valued passengers

Due to the developing security situation across the Middle East, the Far East, North Africa, Southern Africa, Central Europe, Southern Europe, Eastern Europe, Northern Europe, most of Western Europe and just about anywhere else counting as 'foreign' apart from Canada (which is relatively harmless), and those parts of the USA not affected by Donald Trump, and also because of the upcoming referendum on membership of the EU, the Foreign Office has informed all travellers and NGOs with British staff to make them aware of the following, when planning return trips to the U.K.

Return Flights
1) In line with protocol HO 845/08, all staff returning to the UK in Spring 2016 will be required to make themselves available for an intimate body search at Customs before entering the UK. It is therefore imperative that NO food is consumed for the 24 hours prior to entry. It is suggested that a light meal (as suggested on the Foreign Office website at will be adequate for most people before commencing the fast.

2) All flights must be undertaken in a paper suit provided by the airline, which for commercial purposes may carry logos and advertising pertaining to a variety of brands and commercial services – mostly supplied by Richard Branson. We suggest that passengers arrive at the airport in light clothing that can be easily removed and then hygienically incinerated. The paper suit that you are required to wear during the flight is fragile, so take care when moving. In the event of accidental tears, all cabin personnel are fully trained and equipped with parcel tape. For your own safety and the comfort of other passengers please ensure that you comply with the smoking ban at all times. Please be aware that airlines cannot guarantee that this product is nut free.

3) A distressing incident on a flight on 11/12/15 has led to the demand that all hair pertaining to the scalp longer than 1cm be removed prior to departure. Airport security at outgoing airports will be equipped with measuring equipment to ensure compliance.

Disinfection and anti-terrorist procedures
1) Body search: Please inform staff of any allergy to either latex or rubber before the search commences. All procedures will be recorded for internal training purposes.

2) You will be asked to provide a urine sample. Please ensure that you have drunk at least 1 litre of water and not used the toilet in the hour before arriving at security. A drink will be given to you, containing methylene blue, and 20 minutes later you will be directed how to use our facilities to ensure that everything remains sterile. Be assured that monitoring of the process will be discreet, though thorough.

3) As an extra precaution to enable staff to make a quick visual check, the security process will finish with a shower. The vegetable dye in the water is harmless, and will start to fade after 10 washes. Please inform staff if you have a sensitivity to beetroot.

4) All passengers should be advised that, any royalties pertaining to footage shot by the documentary crew will remain the property of the airline and border security. We accept no responsibility for this crew. Any comments or complaints should be directed to the BBC. Our lawyers will monitor any re-screenings, blooper show or YouTube footage. We also reserve the right to use any photographs for our promotional calendars. All monies generated will be used to offset the carbon footprint of your flight.

In a bid to eliminate the accidental transport of infections across national frontiers, WHO have authorised a mandatory six weeks quarantine for anyone returning to the UK. Accommodation for this has been arranged in reception centres based on the Isle of Dogs and Frinton-on-Sea. Costs for this will be kept to the minimum, but charged to all those being processed, this to be paid on arrival in the UK at a rate of £75.00 per day. The student loan system has been authorised for any passengers accessing this service whilst undertaking full-time education, at an APR of 33.7%.

In a further measure to reduce bogus asylum-seekers, all returnees to the UK will face a Citizenship test during the period of quarantine, based on knowledge of the following contemporary criteria:

a) Reality TV
b) The Premier League
c) The Royal Family
d) Boris Johnson’s place in the great scheme of things.

Please be prepared to sing several verses of either the National Anthem, Land of Hope and Glory, Cwm Rhondda or The Flower of Scotland. 

Final Entry to the UK
Customs and immigration staff reserve the right to refuse entry to any passenger deemed to be a threat to the stability and cohesion of the United Kingdom. This includes any whose actions, thoughts, hopes and aspirations are of a suspiciously non-inclusive nature.  

I trust this will meet with your full support.
Welcome back to the U.K.
Yours sincerely,

 Ham O’Globin, Director of Internal Security, British Airports Authority 

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Any requests of subjects for future posts in 2016? No idea too stupid for consideration. And yes, I know I am a bad writer, so don't bother saying that unless you can write something better. But maybe there's a topic buzzing around in your head that you'd like to see covered... because I've got a keyboard here, it's loaded with letters, and I ain't afraid to use it.