Saturday, 25 June 2016

Exclusive timetable for Brexit: what happens next

The official Leave campaign have just released the following statement about their immediate plans for managing the United Kingdom’s exit from the European Union:
Days 1-3: Finish getting bladdered and laughing at those Remain people. What were they thinking? Don’t they love this country, for pity’s sake?

Day 4: Wake up, wonder what happened, then check out the foreign exchange rates and curse ourselves for not getting in those euros when we had the chance. Tenerife is going to be a lot more expensive this year.
Day 5: Pensions and Investments. Interest rates. Ah. Yes. Well then. It’s bound to settle down again in a bit, isn’t it? Are there any experts out there who can help us with this, please?
Day 6: Boris as Prime Minister? Wait a minute… Gove? Um… really? Ah.
Day 7: Make a secret donation to Jeremy Corbyn’s office expenses. We need this man to be running Labour for as long as possible.
Day 8: Learn the names of a few of those more scenic places in Wales and the North that voted for us. Their property values are bound to go down soon, and we need to get that second home sorted.
Day 9: Book in those East European tradesmen to get that house extension built while we still can.
Day 10: Think about doing something about migrants, then go out for a curry.
Day 11: Now, this Scotland calling another referendum thingy… um… Can’t they leave us the oil?
Day 12: Ireland? Border posts? Oh come on! We were just getting that mess sorted! We sent the Queen over and she spoke Gaelic and everything.
Day 13: Try and persuade Nissan to stay in Sunderland, for pity’s sake. Can we talk about this, please?

Day 14: Make enquiries about moving to Scotland. Just in case.

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