Friday, 15 January 2016

Has it been long enough yet?


(From our New Delhi correspondent.)
India is now mourning the death of its greatest, most sacred cow of all, Ziggarami Stardusteri, living incarnation of all that is great about our proud nation. When news of the great creature’s death was announced last week, millions surged on to the streets to express their sorrow.

‘Ziggarami spoke for all of us’ sobbed one weeping follower. ‘His cowpats truly embodied everything we could want from a true artist. Each one was stylistically innovative. Yes, they were all taken from other sources, but each of his final creations provided us with a unique visual embodiment of his natural wit, knowledge and holiness. Especially the bits we couldn’t understand because he was out of his head in Berlin at the time.’

Referring to the great cow as a ‘he’ naturally sums up much of Ziggarami’s mystery. He seemed able to flip genders at will, embodying the great hermaphroditic traditions of many Indian deities, and therefore capable of being truly able to eat his naan bread from both ends, often on the same night.

Many of Ziggerami’s followers collected samples of his greatest cowpats, claiming that their shape, composition and aroma each provided a natural background and soundtrack to their own wretched lives- and a unique personal insight into the life of someone they’d never met, but now felt they knew intimately. Indeed, the creation and release of Ziggarami’s final cowpat just before his death showed unusual prescience, turning his demise (according to one source) into ‘a final work of performance art’. Millions of new fans are now wanting to obtain a facsimile copy of the said cowpat, having never bothered to buy any of the others before.

‘He was our greatest innovator and embodiment of diversity’, announced the Prime Minister, shortly before announcing a new set of measures designed to cut down on anti-government dissent. 

Wherever you are, David, rest in peace.

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Any requests of subjects for future posts in 2016? No idea too stupid for consideration. And yes, I know I am a bad writer, so don't bother saying that unless you can write something better. But maybe there's a topic buzzing around in your head that you'd like to see covered... because I've got a keyboard here, it's loaded with letters, and I ain't afraid to use it.