Thanks to our American friends, 'Faith' (as in Evangelical Christianity) is hitting the news media and being badly reported. Again. Trump is all our fault, you see.
Many
journalists, social commentators and other cultural pundits spend a great deal
of their time trying to produce instant pen-pictures of global shifts in
opinion and events. You might even be one of them. It’s hard, really. Sometimes, Life is just
one damned thing after another, the Editor wants it yesterday, so where do you
start? In puzzlement, usually. The irritating tendency of world religions to
not fade away (as predicted very frequently through the 20th century)
has led many to wonder not only ‘What is going on?’ but also ‘How can I write
this piece about religion when actually I know nothing about the subject since not going to Sunday School all those years ago?’ No
journalist likes to feel awkward or uninformed.
But don't worry! This essay will be of vital assistance. By the end of it, you should be able to write an apparently-informed piece about anything to do with Christianity. No matter what your own belief-system, politics or your newspaper owner’s own opinions, this should do it!
So, to begin. Let's assume that you write either for the Guardian, the Daily Mail, or something in-between. The Guardian is basically, quite embarrassed by the existence of religion, would quite prefer it wasn’t there, but feels obliged to report on it. The Mail is not embarrassed by religion, but instead thinks that no religion is ever quite religious enough to fit the standards of the Daily Mail.
So how should you write about Christianity? The safe option is always to talk about what notable people are saying or doing. By 'notable', we don’t mean members of congregations, the Reverend Sarah Smith and her hospital-visiting rota, or the people who run the food-banks. These do not count. Notable people are either those in the top jobs (The Pope, Archbishops, Bishops or chat-show presenters), committees (General Synod) or pressure groups (Christian Voice, Gay Christian Movement, Cats for Christ, that sort of thing.) Remember, it is the articulate axe-grinders who give you the best copy. Your piece is more likely to be recognised if it is controversial, whether or not the opinions voiced in it are representative of any real opinion.
Look for the scandals. Never pass up on any chance to write about the latest
mistake that a notable Christian has made. Never mind the fact that that you ignored them
before. The Bishop of Boodleshire may have led an exemplary life up to now, but
a moment’s misjudgement with the budget or the verger’s wife will be enough for several weeks' worth of copy. With luck, you’ll have him or her out of office
within a month.
Generally,
the following phrases will be of use:
Guardian
pieces:
Fundamentalist,
evangelical, narrow-minded, bigoted, Conservative, right-wing, American, Republican, Ku Klux Klan, Donald Trump, Justin Welby.
Daily
Mail pieces:
Liberal,
woolly, weak, trendy, happy-clappy, gay, lesbian, feminist, left-wing, falling
Christian standards, divided, New Labour, Justin Welby.
Most
of your pieces will either be about LGBT rights, sex scandals, or
New Atheism. (Guardian writers please note: always ring up Richard Dawkins for
a quote, whether he knows anything about the subject or not.) Daily Mail
writers should remember to ask a bishop if they can remember what the seventh
commandment is. If they do know, then don’t mention it in your piece. (Want a quote? Knock on Peter Hitchins' office door. He's always fun.)
In both cases, always
assume that:
1)
The
Church is dying.
2)
Nobody
goes to Church anymore. (Well at least, nobody who matters.)
3)
Christianity
has lost touch with its roots.
4)
The
Bible is irrelevant and unread.
5)
What
happens either in this country or the USA is the only field that matters. (Mail
writers only)
6)
Christianity
is all about being judgmental. (Guardian writers only)
Never:
1)
Talk
to anyone who has recently become a Christian, to find out why.
2)
Go
to a busy church yourself to find out what really happens, or visit a church-run food-bank, like the real one featured in 'I, Daniel Blake'.
3)
Ask
yourself what Christianity’s roots actually were.
4)
Read
the Bible for yourself, especially anything related to Jesus.
5)
Mention
the ‘World Church’, or the troubling fact that Christianity is the world’s biggest
religion in terms of geographical and ethnic spread, and is still growing fast particularly in places like the People’s Republic of China or Iran where it’s not
particularly fashionable or easy.
6)
Mention
how many thousands of Christians are running charitable enterprises for the good of others, both in their own communities, and all around the world.
This
will only confuse people. Remember that what you think you know is the most
important thing, because that is what will be published. So stick with that. Don’t rock the boat, and hey – if you’re lucky, you might get promoted to
do something more interesting and important, one day. Like the fashion pages.
(One more thing...)
Have you seen 'I, Daniel Blake' yet? The food-bank volunteers in this key scene were playing themselves in the very church hall where they faithfully serve the local community. Their names are Kathy and Christine. Funnily enough, you won't see their names in the Mail or Guardian.
(One more thing...)
Have you seen 'I, Daniel Blake' yet? The food-bank volunteers in this key scene were playing themselves in the very church hall where they faithfully serve the local community. Their names are Kathy and Christine. Funnily enough, you won't see their names in the Mail or Guardian.
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Any requests of subjects for future posts? No idea too stupid for consideration. And yes, I know I am a bad writer, so don't bother saying that unless you can write something better. But maybe there's a topic buzzing around in your head that you'd like to see covered... because I've got a keyboard here, it's loaded with letters, and I ain't afraid to use it.