The Elusive Moose

Last week, Mrs PGD and I returned from Canada. All in all, we’d have to say that Canada is definitely everything you’d expect in matters Canadian, with an abundance of trees, maple syrup, Mounties (always getting their man), Rockies and what-have-you. Yes, Canada is definitely the place for seeing all these things in their natural habitat.

But there was a slight problem. We were on the lookout for wild creatures, and we definitely saw them in abundance. There were Caribou deer, Elk, bears (Black and Grizzly), California Ground Squirrels looking slightly lost, Chipmunks, Killer whales, Humpback whales, Beluga whales, Sea Otters, Coyotes, Wolves, Ospreys, Golden Eagles, Bald-headed Eagles and a vast variety of insects determined to suck our blood.

But, fortunate as we were to see all these marvels, there was one creature that failed to register its presence. Moose. We didn’t see one anywhere.

Mrs PGD and I wandered through forests (alert for the attacks of rampaging bears), we scrambled our nervous way up high mountains above glaciers, we staggered through freezing blizzards of lazy snow (the sort that doesn’t bother with going around you, it just goes through you), we wandered up and down the Great Ice Parkway from Lake Louise to Jasper, and rafted our way along wild rivers in search of these great big spready-horned varmints, but nothing appeared. They weren’t there.

Well, not quite.

Every souvenir shop seemed to be full of Moose (Mooses? Meese? Moosi?) There were Moose T-shirts, Moose sweatshirts, model Moose paddling canoes, cuddly Moose dressed as red-coated Mounties (always getting their man), Moose droppings labelled as chocolate drops, Moose beanies, canned cuddly Moose, Moose masks, Moose necklaces, Moose fridge magnets, Moose badges, Moose table-mats, Moose jigsaw puzzles and Moose books on the life, times and habits of Canada’s allegedly biggest quadruped.

So I’ve come to the conclusion after three weeks of in-depth research, that the whole thing is an elaborate con dreamed up by the people who brought us the sasquatch, the abominable snowman and the Great Flying Spaghetti Monster. There are no Moose. Yes, I’m sure that there are people out there who claim to have met one, but I haven’t. All those images and snatches of video could have been photo-shopped or faked, because you can do anything with CGI these days. All those stories of first-hand encounters could have been imagined by people who want to believe in Moose, but can’t bring themselves to admit that they aren’t really there.

So that’s it then. If I haven’t seen and experienced it for myself, then Moose don’t exist, either singularly or plural. And that’s also probably most peoples’ reasons for not believing in God, when you get down to it.

An obvious fake